Misery

  It's true:  I'm not very experienced when it comes to dating relationships.  In truth, I met my first serious boyfriend in January of 2012.  Ours was never a perfect, or even healthy, relationship but there was a time when it was clear to me that we both loved each other with everything we had.  Somehow, the passion we had for one another was able to manifest both as an intense love, but also in an intensely aggressive way.  Now I'm dealing only with the negative end of this passion, both on the giving and receiving end.
     Things in general are terrible in my life, and have been getting worse and worse for a while now (mostly since having to deal with a certain manager at my place of employment who found a way crush my spirit every single day, which resulted in an awful work AND home life).  And now my brain is languishing so terribly that I can't even remember where I meant to go with this post.  Things are just awful.

The Invitation

The Invitation

by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

It doesn’t interest me what you do for a living. I want to know what you ache for, and if you dare to dream of meeting your heart’s longing.

It doesn’t interest me how old you are. I want to know if you will risk looking like a fool for love, for your dream, for the adventure of being alive.

It doesn’t interest me what planets are squaring with your moon. I want to know if you have touched the center of your own sorrow, if you have been opened by life’s betrayals or have become shriveled and closed from fear of further pain!I want to know if you can sit with pain, mine or your own, without moving to hide it or fade it, or fix it.

I want to know if you can be with joy, mine or your own, if you can dance with wildness and let the ecstasy fill you to the tips of your fingers and toes without cautioning us to be careful, to be realistic, to remember the limitations of being human.

It doesn’t interest me if the story you are telling me is true. I want to know if you can disappoint another to be true to yourself; if you can bear the accusation of betrayal and not betray your own soul; if you can be faithless and therefore trustworthy.

I want to know if you can see beauty even when it’s not pretty, every day, and if you can source your own life from its presence.

I want to know if you can live with failure, yours and mine, and still stand on the edge of the lake and shout to the silver of the full moon, “Yes!”

It doesn’t interest me to know where you live or how much money you have. I want to know if you can get up, after the night of grief and despair, weary and bruised to the bone, and do what needs to be done to feed the children.

It doesn’t interest me who you know or how you came to be here. I want to know if you will stand in the center of the fire with me and not shrink back.

It doesn’t interest me where or what or with whom you have studied. I want to know what sustains you, from the inside, when all else falls away.

I want to know if you can be alone with yourself and if you truly like the company you keep in the empty moments.

© 1999 by Oriah Mountain Dreamer

This is my first attempt at a mobile blog post.

So I just saw a request in a comment from August of this year from 2A's wife! 2A (or Luaei...) was the coolest guy I met abroad. We played pool/billiards. He taught me how to smash open a coconut. He tried to convince the guys in our class to take one of their Samoan ladies home with us and make lots of babies... haha! 2A, if you happen to see this, you are awesome!

The Perplexing Plethora of Possibilities

Listen to me as you read this post!

It is likely that I am nearing the end of the period of time I expected to be "less busy" (i.e. my break in between shows).  Despite my expectations, this time has been JUST as busy as performance periods.  The nice thing is that things I've been doing have been on my own schedule, which has been pretty flexible.

There are just so many things I want to do!  What things?
1. Playing Skyrim
2.  Reading the Bible
3.  Reading the A Song of Ice and Fire series
4.  Practicing my tap dancing skills and watching tap dancing videos per my instructor's advice
5.  Rehearsing my songs for Erin Fagundes' recital in February
6.  Relaxing in the newly filled and heated hot tub
7.  Throwing a party
8.  Going out to clubs & restaurants
9.  Blogging
10.  Perusing Facebook
11.  Watching TV series' on DVD
12.  Going on dates
13.  Working out
14.  Reading things to improve my knowledge and skills related to the following topics: investing & mutual funds, pharmaceutical compliance, business acumen, acting, people skills, possible graduate programs, music production, scientific knowledge
15.  Perusing a billion different distracting websites (see the list of links on the right --> )
16.  Simply hanging out with or calling friends
17.  Writing my next letter to the awesome Emma Vander Weele
18.  Cleaning my room/ the house
19.  Doing laundry
20.  Setting up/fixing my computer

I'm sure I could continue to think of many other things to occupy my time.  I've always been VERY good at keeping myself occupied, and it always seems strange to me when people suffer from boredom.

This is the choice:  Which of these things deserve my attention, and which should be forsaken?  The responsible choice would be do focus only the things that would create a better future for me.  But that's pretty unrealistic right?  No one can be productive ALL the time!  Plus, if and when I am cast in another show, my free time will become severely limited once again!

So which things should I be cutting out?  Which should I be limiting?

So far, these are the things I KNOW I need to do consistently:
1. Practicing tap dancing
2.  Rehearsing my vocal selections
3.  Reading the Bible
4.  Exercising
5.  Doing Laundry
6.  Reading something to improve a skill.  Which skill?

These are the things I KNOW I need to get better at limiting:
1.  Playing Skyrim
2.  Watching TV show episodes
3.  Perusing websites and Facebook
4.  Going out to restaurants and clubs

I'll think more on this and maybe get back to you.  Thoughts and comments are welcome!